Orlando has held so much for me.

My whole life.



I'm moving July 15th to Gainesville.


Don't forget me.

I'm a field without a fence.

I'm a crown without a king.

A boat without any blue.

Sara, I love you so much.

You make my crazy okay just by some live journal comment.







Even when we aren't together I always feel connected.


When I choose teams, I pick you first.


You're my ace.

My great grandmother is about to pass away.

I haven't seen her in over a year but I don't want to visit her on her deathbed.

I'd rather remember her the way she was.
The doctors gave her four hours. she's a 103 year old little French woman and I love her very much. I just hope that she understands why I couldn't go visit her. I feel like a grade a piece of shit and I wish Peter would stop hanging out with his friends and come get me. I know thats selfish but I miss him alot and I really just need to be with him right now. :[


Alot of the time I feel crazy and alot of the time I don't care but right now I care and I just want to be crazy and not worry about it.

With Peter I can be.


I am reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower.


It's fantastic really, I wish I knew this kid, I really do.
And Sara, I feel like him too.



I'm going to go have a cigarette now and try not to think about anything.

I could move away to Oregan with Peter and forget everything here.



I am so incredibly crazy about that boy.

I should really stop wishing time away.

 

Soon enough it'll all be over.

 

Life, I mean, not high school, I could live perfectly fine without another day of high school.

I'm super hungry. Oh man, got a job, thats nuts. I'm happy about it. And $8.25 an hour HELLO! :]

Super duper awesomeness.

Quit wishing you were as happy as me. :]




Oh and I need new friends, I only have like five that I can stand anymore.

I can't wait to move.

Back to another lonely eight days.





Sunrise, sunset.

...but I'm not going to, so on that note...



FUCK EVERYONEEEE! :)

The idea of quitting makes my head spin.

Actually quitting?


I'm so scared.
No one knows the intensity of what I'm going through. I'm not saying that people couldn't relate. It's just you DON'T KNOW how bad it really is, I haven't spoken up about it.
If it's not one thing one day it's another thing that day.

I guess simple shit isn't really that simple.


People need to stop being such assholes to me.
I can take it for a while.
But I'm going to melt down soon, and you'll see the Jessica you've never seen.

I can't take loosing people anymore.

Stop leaving me, I need you. I THRIVE on you. Stop forgetting about me. I'm STILL HERE.

I'm really glad Peter and I are back together. It's so right, and he's being so supportive in me quitting. It's wonderful, but he's so far away and I'm so alone.

No matter how many people I have around me, knowing I've lost people just makes me feel so secluded.

What are you really thinking? Stop it. Please, stop it.

I'm ending this entry before I start crying, I don't cry. Ever.

I'm running running running!

Hello the good life.

Hello.



I'm flying flying flying.

Goodbye shit.

Goodbye.


Whats this mean!

I'm happy!?


I'm crazy!?


I'm both, I'm neither. I'm careless about that shit.

Is love defining my opinions now?


L O V E ?  

I feel like I can't catch my breath. I get slapped in the face, so I turn the other cheek only to get punched in the face. Once again I don't let it get to me but then I get screamed at, pushed down, and a wave of people come to wash me away. Except the waters are rough and the ground is home to jagged rocks instead of the soft sand I was hoping to land on. I get cut up and the water is full of salt that burns my wounds. The salt is the breath of the words of the wave and I can't get up no matter how hard I try. Even if I do catch a break, I'm still in waist deep water and the shore is so far away. I have anchors on my feet and if I get an inch a set of waves comes just to knock me back fifty more yards.

I'm sitting in my head trying to figure out where I went wrong. I'm trying to cover up the page so no one can see my outrageous self-worth; which is next to none. The people I surround myself with are the people that help me master over my insecurities, and as of now I am dirt.  Physical attractiveness is worthless when your self-esteem isn't even on the market. And if it does happen to catch a price it's stolen quickly. These theives I occupy my company with. It;s not just one thief either. So am I surrounding myself with the wrong people? Or am I blaming the ones who do me good? Should I turn around and blame myself?

This is your fault girl. Way to have such a big heart. And you call yourself guarded. Guarded people don't get hurt.



Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset.

 ladadadada :)

Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists. A baby feels hunger: well, there is such a thing as food. A duckling wants to swim: well, there is such a thing as water. Men feel sexual desire: well, there is such a thing as sex. If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.


Pretty much sums it up.
 Along with this Kimya Dawson song:


The rocks with holes are cold in her pocket
the clock controls the payroll in her rocket
her eyeballs roll and roll in their sockets
her teachers can't stand it- her teachers say "stop it"
she sticks to the topic- her parents say "drop it"

running in circles is running around
back and forth motion ain't travelling
sinking infinitely into the sound
while everyone she knows is sleeping

she packs all her dreams in a glass elevator
drops the remainder and says "see you later,
i'm gonna get high and find me skater"
she tries but, for some reason, no one will date her
she lies and gets mad and makes everyone hate her

running in circles is running around
back and forth motion ain't travelling
sinking infinitely into the sound
while everyone she knows is sleeping

is she misleading or is she misled?
day after day she just stays in her bed
tries to get up but lays down instead
smiles to herself and says "i'm in the red"  
her heart stops screaming and she knows she's dead

running in circles is running around
back and forth motion ain't travelling
sinking infinitely into the sound
while everyone she knows is sleeping

suddenly there are clouds all around and the clouds all around her are warm
she is so comfortable she never felt this way before
she says "i'm in heaven, i am certain, these aren't the clouds of a storm"
she opens her eyes to her doctor's surprise
and says






I don't want to put down the rest of the song yet.

I love songs that remind you of times where egg sandwhiches ruled your life, and when my car felt like home.
The times when you go crazy and it's okay. When you meet people who change your life. And how that song could brighten up your day no matter what. Or the days when we were up all day everyday because there wasn't enough time to sleep. Those songs especially remind me of jumping in the lake holding hands, sitting in his front lawn, going against everything else, confiding, hiding, and searching. These songs rule my life moreso than anything else. They define who I am at that certain moment. They are how I feel.


Love these songs.

It's just one thing after another.


After another.


After.... another.


I'm sick of getting hit like this. I turn the other cheek just to get hit again.